When you want to write a book…and also don’t
Do you stand at a perpetual crossroads, where parts of you want to write a book while others decidedly do not? Where you think you want to write a book, but then you don’t do it?
I find, for myself and other creatives, that we often have issues of capacity arise when we think about writing a book. We may desire to write a book, but not have actual capacity to do so.
What is Capacity?
Capacity is related to how long, how much, how often and at what intensity we can engage with stimulus before we reach a limit within our systems—somatically, physically, emotionally, mentally, and energetically.
Capacity for writing a book is not just about the book itself, it’s about your whole life—your health, your work, your leisure time, your support, your community, your mental health, your history, and more. And it’s also about what writing a book is connected to in your inner terrain.
What does capacity have to do with resistance?
Not to complicate this further, but let’s parse out capacity and resistance. I think of resistance as the equal and opposite force to our own innate creativity. It is the antagonist to our protagonist. It is not the personal parts of us who struggle to step toward a desire, but is more archetypal and universal. It contributes to our ultimate capacity for a thing, but they aren’t synonymous. When we can meet resistance in a supportive way, it can help us build capacity. On the other hand, more personal parts of us (different from the transpersonal archetypal force of resistance) may also hold their own experiences and beliefs that limit our capacity to step toward a desire. So tending our parts can also help us tend our capacity. If all of this is confusing, never fear, the experiential work below will help.
What is Desire?
Desire is what we want; it is more non-physical and not bound by the confines of our time, energy and resource limitations. Desire is more visionary and conceptual—we may want something that our souls know matters to us. It makes no sense to write this book now, but I have an inner imperative or yearning to do so.
On the other hand, desire can also be rooted in our social experience and present as logical. For example, in the case, I am an expert on this topic, I should write a book about this. Or, I want to write a book about this because it will support my professional career, or, because I want to bring this message to more people.
Importantly, desire also doesn’t check in with the parts of us that have fears or concerns about executing on that said desire. It’s not in charge of whether or not we can execute or how we might feel when we do execute, it is simply here to let us know what we want (or parts of us want).
(Listen to my brilliant somatic teacher, Sarah Baldwin, talk about capacity in the context of healing, HERE. And my other somatic mentor, Luis Mojica, talking about desire and capacity HERE.)
The Dance of Desire and Capacity
Desire and capacity do not always align. Here are some everyday examples of desire and capacity incongruence:
I want to go to the party tonight and see my friends, but I feel sick and need to rest.
I want to launch a new business, but I get overwhelmed or freeze every time I sit down to take the next step and I end up distracting myself.
I want to make friends, but I am a full time working single mother and it is difficult for me to make time to check out local events and groups.
In my somatic education, we consider how to tend to our capacity, knowing that it is always in flux, expanding and contracting as an organic, living intelligence. Capacity is not static or part of our identity, rather it is something we are in relationship to.
Sometimes our capacity genuinely does make taking a step toward our desire difficult or incongruent. Sometimes the wrong timing, being in the wrong place, having the wrong support or no support, or experiencing the wrong conditions can make reaching toward a desire inappropriate or exceedingly difficult. For example, training for a strenuous hike up Mt Kilimanjaro while recovering from knee surgery might present a formidable desire-capacity incongruence that would make it advisable to delay desire-meeting.
Other times, we may find that we have something connected to or attached to our desires—a block, an expectation, a belief, a resistance, a condition—which we can explore consciously to make stepping toward our desire more feasible. We can actually tend to our capacity for that thing we desire; to potentially create more congruence within.
Sometimes honoring and tending our capacity while also pursuing a desire looks like going slower than we’d prefer.
Like, maybe a lot slower.
It might look like taking the first itty bitty baby step toward a thing, a step that is within our capacity to execute and complete.
It might look like getting the support we may feel audacious seeking.
Giving ourselves permission slips at the edge of our comfort zone.
Getting creative about how we manage our desire-meeting in harmony with the rest of our lives.
It might look like putting down things we love or are habituated to, so we can follow a bigger dream.
(I love the quote that “every creative act begins with an act of destruction”—sometimes we need to let something go to find desire-capacity congruence.)
It might look like consciously tending our own inner parts and how Resistance shows up within us.
Tolerable steps are the foundation of lasting change. Small enough to feel manageAble, significant enough to move you forward. — Sarah Baldwin, Somatic Experiencing PractitionerTake this inquiry into your life
You can apply this to anything in your life, but let’s take it back to our example of book writing.
This is where we get experiential. So to get the most out of what comes next, I invite you to take out a piece of paper and actually journal on your answers to the following questions:
ONE: What is the desire that you don’t have capacity for right now?
For example, I want to write a book, but I can’t/won’t/am not...
TWO: What is the story or stories connected to this?
What will it mean for you to step toward this thing you desire? List all the different perspectives you might be holding within, they do not all have to align with one another.
You might use this sentence stem: If I begin to write my book, I will feel/experience…
Or: I can’t step toward my desire because [then I will feel or experience…]
Examples:
“If I write this book, my family is going to judge and shun me.”
“If I write this book, people won’t believe me.”
“If I write this book, I’ll be exposed as an imposter for all the world to see.”
“If I commit to writing this book, I’ll quit half way through and feel like a failure or let others down.”
“If I commit to writing this book, it is going to take over all of my time and I will be overwhelmed.”
Keep writing all the stories until you feel complete. Which ones feel most charged or resonant in you?
THREE: What sensations arise in your body as you connect to the above? What images or feelings arise?
Make time to allow these parts of your knowing to emerge with curiosity.
FOUR: Where have you felt or experienced this before?
Please note, this is NOT a place to shame, judge, or gaslight ourselves. Our systems wisely anticipate or expect outcomes to new situations that match what we have experienced in the past – either a repetition of the conditions of the past (they laughed then, they will laugh now) or the qualitative experience of it (for example, we felt shame then and we anticipate feeling shame now).
FIVE: Do we know for certain that this outcome will repeat itself?
Can we notice what is true in the present circumstance that may or may not have been true in the past? Can we attune to ourselves and our reality in the here and now? Can we update our systems with any new information?
SIX: What would legitimately increase your capacity for this?
What would make this feel even 1% easier or more accessible? What conditions would allow you to feel more ease, spaciousness, confidence, and congruency around this desire? What would make it easier? What do you need to do and what do you need to stop doing? What do you need more of and what do you need less of? What do you need to know, feel, experience, receive, release?
Don’t worry for now about how feasible/practical these capacity-builders may or may not be; for now, just allow yourself to imagine what could be possible.
SEVEN: What do you feel, see, or sense emerging within you as you consider these possibilities?
Notice the difference between these sensations and the sensations you felt in question three. Can you allow yourself to feel both of these experiences, maybe even vacillating between them? Can you make room for both to co-exist?
EIGHT: From the insight you gained above, what is one small, tolerable action step you can take toward your desire right now?
What is the next right step that you do have capacity for?
If you legitimately discovered in this process that your desire and capacity are not congruent in this moment, can you allow yourself to accept that and shift how you are relating to the desire? Can you make a commitment to yourself to revisit your desire when your capacity changes? When will you revisit it? Maybe your small action step is to put “revisit X” in your calendar.
Desire and Capacity for Writing a Book
I find for so many creatives that “what it would really mean to write a book” brings up a lot of deep core issues in our psyches. Who am I? Will I be accepted/believed/supported? Do I have permission to say what I know? To take up space? To claim my own version of the truth? To put my ideas out in the world? Will I have enough energy to see this commitment through or will I abandon it midway through? And so much more. These questions are almost always related to an experience we had in the past, and they make so much sense.
Good news: We don’t have to bypass, override or eradicate these things from our reality to step into writing, but we do need to become aware of and tend to them. Counter-intuitively, sometimes the things we think will slow us down if we tend to them, are actually the things that can free up the energy and capacity we have for forging ahead. The key is to be self-compassionate, self-curious, honest, and take small tolerable steps toward what we desire.
Support Builds Capacity, Book Coaching Builds Capacity
If you feel you’d benefit from being supported in your process of writing a book, if support would build your capacity to step toward this desire of yours, please reach out and discover more about our book coaching services. Not only do we have the practical experience to help you write a book, we focus on you as the person writing the book—ensuring that you are held and supported throughout the process.
If you are looking for ways to tend to your capacity from a somatic healing perspective, please see our founder’s online program SOMA, here. This program contains both a foundational understanding of the nervous system and numerous experiential practices designed to help you build capacity for what you desire.
